longing for home

today marked the first of the last two weddings that i will attend before my own. my beloved friend greg poole was married today and i was given the privilege and honor of being a groomsman.

despite my joy for my friend, i found my own mind hard to corral as it wandered into the day-dreams of my own wedding day that is soon approaching. getting dressed in my tuxedo and pictures continued to stir the simmering brew of my longing and emotions.

during the ceremony itself i had a perfect line of sight to my anna seated in the audience. i spent most of the ceremony with my eyes locked on hers, smiling, grinning and slowly whispering things to her. concurring with greg on every word he spoke to vanessa because i felt the same toward anna.

during the service i began to get watered eyes. part of it was joy over greg and vanessa. part of it was my emotion toward anna. i've realized this before, but afresh today it entered the forefront of my mind. 12 weeks from today i am marrying a woman. and i use the word in distinction from girl in the sense that when i look at anna i see maturity. i see level-headedness, a responsible adult, intelligent and stable. a woman who carries her self with class and an aura around her. and the question i have to ask for myself, am i enough of a man to lead, guide, provide for and protect this woman. i believe i am, but the immensity of that responsibility inspires me to be better and reassures me that i gaining a life partner.

there was a moment there casting myself deep into the ocean of eyes that everything began to go out of focus and melt away into gray so that the only thing that remained in focus and in color was her face. her eyes, hair, lips and smile alone stole all the presence in my view and she was all i could see.

_____

a few thoughts also passed through my mind as i glanced toward katie, wondering what she thought, how she felt today. contemplating if she regretted her indifference to all of greg's advances over numerous years. her nebulous distance to all his attempts to discover what happened from while he was in argentina.

but then i reminded myself that all katie felt or didn't feel today, all she felt or didn't feel over the last several years were all but utterly meaningless. here stood vanessa, despite her strong personality and at first glance glaring differences from greg, declaring her love and devotion to him. only her words mattered, only her feelings held any value.

and today as i watched them get married a much deeper peace entered my heart about them two. i must admit my reservation about how quickly they became so serious and how volatile their relationship seemed to be at times. but then i remembered how much different he seems with her than from before. the edge of bitterness, cynicism has melted away. his anger has calmed. the dark cloud forever following him above his head has been carried off in the wind. joy and smiles have returned. a general sense of peace and direction have come upon. he seems much more mature and level-headed. vanessa has done him well.

and i remembered the one word he spoke over and over in his writing particularly in the post-argentina years. a word quite analogous to my yearning for home today. a word that went so far as to have become his license plate on his old red volkswagon golf car. greg poole this very evening as you fall asleep in the arms of your bride drinking deeply of the cup of her love for the very first time, may you find yourself mended.

tonight was the end of an era in my christian journey. i removed internetmonk from my bookmarks. for those who know me and read this, i've been reading his site almost daily for years now, but over the last few months my visits have been less frequent. and on top of that i've found his writing to no longer be as critical to my journey now. the focus on all the things wrong in evangelicalism hasn't been helping my cynicism either. i've been trying awfully hard to not see my presbyterian church through the lens of southern baptist fundamentalism.

as i was telling earlier today, what makes a place to feel like home is a the sense of belonging. preferences in worship style doesn't create that sense of belonging all by itself. christ church is taking more frequent baby steps toward being like home.

_____

so i found out that one of my closest relatives drinks. i had no clue. but it was a good surprise, taking off some of the edge of my fear concerning family disapproval of drinking choices. i guess it goes to show that a lot times we paint ourselves into a corner assuming the world is against us when its really not so. i was glad i was able to share my love for brown ale with him, even though we only talked about it and didn't really get to have one at that moment.

in the midst of all the busyness and stress today at work, i was able to sneak out for a bit and head back to the old apartment just one last time. i gave it one last look through to make sure that nothing was missed then turned in the paperwork and keys, and with that steven and i were officially moved out. it was nice being able to do that. having all the stress and anxiety over moving now completely off my shoulders. it was nice to get rid of my keys for the sake of my keychain as well. it was getting rather cumbersome with 2 keys to the apartment, 2 to steven's house, 2 to anna's loft and 1 to my parent's house. for a small window there all my possessions were split up in 4 different locations each bearing in some way or another the title of home.

the hangout at dan's actually went pretty well. i felt a little silly afterwards, but in another sense i didn't. i got to wish dan good bye and see him one last time until christmas. i got see and catch up with beau, which i hadn't in a while. though beau and mine's friendship has always revolved around mutual friends, being chris or greg, i do enjoy seeing and talking with the guy. it was funny seeing that emily, katie and lindsey are still their own little 3 musketeers. i got to talk with them about getting engaged. i was a little perturbed by lindsey's comments that she was fully aware of my engagement due to her facebook stalking of me . . . creepy . . . a simple "congratulations" on my wall would have been just fine, but whatever.

but when the night was over i was able to take the items i had gleaned from my parents house back to anna's. i had sorted through a giant tub all the things i wanted to keep and others to throw away. in the search i found 2 old dvd's from when i was in argentina. my parents had filmed them with homemade family videos and messages for me. anna and i watched them together and it was so surreal. my little brothers were so small. michael had this high-pitched girly voice. andrew had yet to enter the "too cool for school" stage and was still a little boy. i almost got a little choked up at realizing through what they said about how much they looked up to me and missed me while i was gone.

but probably the most surreal part was having my parents go to church with a video camera and record messages from my closest friends. on one hand it seemed like yesterday but on another little an utterly forgotten era in time. drew and jason, shannon and emily. marty lively with an appearance as well. but yet seeing those faces brought a smile to my face because those were good times. i guess what so much of my anger and bitterness lies around is the sense that that world seemed to have been lost ever since i boarded that plane headed toward argentina. that year brought upon the irrevocable shift. and yet in another sense, that shift was bound to happen. the identity of that youth group is an ever-revolving door of students, youth pastors, interns, sunday school teachers and the like.

it was weird when it was done because i felt so silly in some ways about what i had written a few days before. the world i was bitter at no longer existed and was so far away. so much of that was still intermingled around one person and all the baggage with it. cleaning out boxes and still finding fragments and reminders when i had thought i had gotten rid of everything. and i had to admit myself that the handful of leaders there at fbcw who genuinely cared for me, probably wouldn't be all bent out of shape if they were to know all the details of my life now. getting me to become some great southern baptist preacher or missionary wasn't their greatest concern, but trying to instill a bit character and truth from God's Word in me. maybe the presbyterian and drinking thing would ruffle a few feathers, but once again, if they really knew me and cared about me then, they would be happy seeing that i am still following the Lord despite struggling mightily at times and serving Him though in small ways. i think they would see my ship making it through the stormy years of college without sinking as a great success on their part. perhaps . . . perhaps.

either way i'm here at steven's for just a few more months. i have a lot to sort through and move out of my parent's house, and i need to continue sorting through what is here at steven's and what i already took to anna's. i'm sure there's more that could be given or thrown away. but we covered the pack-rat thing last time. so the next 3 1/2 months will be the last stepping stone before coming home with anna.

despite a day in which i felt otherwise completely miserable, i'm up and somewhat about trying to tackle the piles of things in my room. i tried to sleep but couldn't, so cleaning oddly enough is the next best thing i can do. i honestly find cleaning quite cathartic. it also takes a lot of pressure of myself knowing that the move is just a few days away. it's time of for a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a cold glass of milk and few minutes to write.

in the past days as i've tried to clean my room, i've come to the conclusion that i'm a terrible pack-rat. i'm doing my best to sort through every last thing in my room and decide said object's fate, which is one of 3 options: going with me to steven's house for the next 3 1/2 months, going on ahead of me to anna's to wait there until i move in with her after returning from the honeymoon or given/thrown away. let's just say that i've learned that i keep things, sometimes with only a sliver of justification. odd, random objects, meaningless pieces of paper, broken or missing things. the weird thing about my personality is my deep craving for order and systemization, yet there are parts of my room that are otherwise contained or hidden chaos. neatly tucked away in one of desk drawers or a box in my closet are messes untold and really old things that i have absolutely no reason to keep. i've been doing my absolute best to not turn any blind eyes to boxes or drawers, but tried to muster up the courage to sort through each thing contained there in.

the odd thing is that several of these items have traveled with me from my first real move back in the fall of 2004. they ventured down I-75 and never looked back and settled with me in the dorms of georgia tech, then moved to home park with me in summer of 2005 then yet again to my current apartment in summer of 2008. i just keep them in boxes never peering into them. they just keep traveling with me.

and throughout all this moving process, being forced to actually to confront each item rather than perpetuating the cycle, i've had a glimpse into my personality and emotional state and understood myself a little bit better. i'm also quite the emotional pack-rat. in some ways this can be seen as sentimental. i was able to share with anna several random trinkets i've keep from our relationship. but on the other hand, the negative, i started to understand a little bit of why i carry so much weight and worry of my past. anxiety over disappointing past communities which i no longer belong to. wounds from the past and disappointments that despite years having gone by, still seem to pass through this mind of mine.

i find myself so many times struggling with throwing gifts away. (you don't want to know how many years of birthday cards i had continued to hold onto.) their gift is completely and utterly useless to me. if i were to continue to keep it, it would only remain in desk drawer untouched, in a box in the closet collecting dust. yet on the inside the fear, the anxiety comes in wondering what they would think if they were watching me now throwing their gift into the trash or giving it away to goodwill. and so there i am, gripped by some hypothetical disappointment, satisfying their non-existent wishes and holding on the object.

my emotional life is a lot like my room. i do my best to stay a very stable, even-keeled guy. but there are certain places, certain boxes in my closet, certain drawers in my desk that i continue to be plagued by emotional chaos and baggage from the past, seemingly powerless to truly cut the cord and be rid of them.

tomorrow night, i'm heading home to woodstock to wish dan off before he joins the marines and see a few old friends. i really want to see dan, but part of me really doesn't want to go, not because of dan but because of the others who will be there. part of me doesn't even want to try to re-connect with otherwise old and disconnected cords. part of me doesn't want to open that box with woodstock labeled on it. i'd rather just take the things from dan and throw the rest of the whole thing in the trash.

with dan leaving, my four closest friends from back home will all have left that scene, that group. jason is in kentucky, married and doing his own thing, his own life with jenny. greg is back in area, but getting married to vanessa and disconnected himself very well, yet rather frustrated and jaded by it, and living his own new life. chris is in the air force enjoying his new path with his new friends.

woodstock (the town, the church, the group of friends) holds this weird juxtaposition in my life. it's a swirl of good and bad. so much pain, disappointment and disillusionment is intertwined with all the wonderful things. but i honestly just want to be done with it.

but as i've said before, i'm hoping that the coming big changes in my life will give me opportunities to wipe my slates clean and take my scissors to a few stubborn cords.

this morning as i walked down the stairs out of my apartment toward the parking lot, an old familiar sentiment hit me. the coolness in the air, void of the smothering humidity and oppressive heat, yet still gently warm and refreshing. glimmers of fall were beginning to peer through the thick vale of summer. as i know all too well, summers in georgia are quite stubborn. they last well into september and never really die until october, but it's the announcement of change that stirred my soul.

sunday mornings are an odd time in the city. it seems it's the only time in broad daylight the city is quiet and hushed. the roar of traffic and honking of horns are absent. loud music is nowhere to be heard, crowds of people nowhere to be seen. i drove to church with my windows rolled down enjoying the refreshing weather and peaceful moments along the drive.

i am quite partial to summer. i love warm weather. i love playing outside, baseball, my birthday and all the joy that summer seems to carry with it. but i must admit fall has grown on me much in recent years. the beautiful and colorful death of nature has much to offer.

but on the inside the change of seasons seems to offer encouragement. january 16th seems like an eternity away. so the reminder that summer is on its way out is tangible expression that time is indeed passing. i'm looking forward to my first fall and winter together with anna. some walks and drives to view all the leaves changing, college football games, cups of hot tea or hot chocolate at night, sweatshirts and keeping each other warm. autumn and winter have their own type of romance. anna and i have only known those of spring and summer.

and as i've prayed and written before, may fall bring to a close parts of me that i hope would die and never return. may i learn to let go of the past wounds and hurts, anger and bitterness, expectations and anxieties and may the changes this winter burst forth in the spring of a new phase in life with a faithful friend, lover and wife.

tomorrow night will mark 3 weeks of engagement for anna and i. to be honest these last 3 weeks, as quickly as they have passed with all the stresses of work, have seemed a lot longer from the point of view of the engagement. we were told to have a short engagement from several couples, older and younger alike. and they were right. our engagement will be relatively short at 5 1/2 months. (i have a co-worker who got engaged shortly before i did and he's looking at a 1 year and 3 months.) but even still january and the wedding seem like such a long time away. anna and i have such great progress with the wedding planning that at times it leaves me scratching my head on why we're waiting so long. i guess i'm eating my words from that night at taco mac when i told greg that there was no way i could see myself married by october. now i can quite easily, heck september even. but i know have a reasonable amount of time with engagement is healthy in the sense of beyond just all the details of wedding planning. i'm really looking forward to pre-marital counseling. anna and i will get 2 rounds of it. one at the church in which our ceremony will be held and one with our own pastor. at times i've been a bit scared about pre-marital counseling that they are somehow out to get you . . . sigh, sorry but that's how my mind works. i expect the questioning, accusing voices in my head to be audibly spoken in reality by the people around me (more on that later). but i think and hope that the counseling will be really geared toward helping you create a good foundation for your marriage, speak into your lives about potential pitfalls and help you communicate, understand and problem solve with the other person. that's what i'm looking for. i know this time of waiting will help us walk through a lot of things together. and as much as we hate going home to separate homes and separate beds each night, getting to hash out these differences now when you're not around each other 24 hours a day can be an incredible blessing.

the past few days i've chewed on more what i've written lately about feeling detached from home, particularly the world of fbcw. i stopped and realized that with chris' recent departure to the air force and dan's soon departure to the marines, fbcw will be for the most part will have disappeared for me. all the people that i genuinely care for and want to keep up with will all be gone to other places and other churches. sure there's some familiar faces from all the way back in middle school, the hay days in high school and early years of college. but all that has disappeared and gone for the most part. in my mind and heart, i'm just taking a deep breath and letting it go, particularly of all the expectations placed on me.

i never really read his blog post, but it did strike me. iMonk was talking about how satan is the great accuser. at times i really think a lot of what goes through my head is elements of spiritual issues and problems and placed there by the enemy. inside my head i hear the constant voices of accusation. they take the tone of many different people, but they all have a lot of the same general themes. i go through a lot of long debates in my head, hashing things out. but at times i really just need to nip those at the bud. i know discussing objective truth in my own head helps me let go, but times the accusations seem repetitive and i go through the same old things over and over. sometimes i wonder if i could really use some counseling or medication.

but those are my thoughts. i'm tired and off to bed as soon.

this week has been another busy week full of work, some overtime, softball, wedding planning and perhaps thinking a bit too much. i just spent the last few hours working from home. i need to go to bed, but i'm in the writing mood. thus i write.

a recurring theme is the longing to be known, accepted and loved for who i am. not who i was or who i could be, but who i am.

recently i've had to navigate some tricky waters with my family and alcohol being present at the wedding reception. anna and i've decided not, but it was cathartic to at least get that out on the table, particularly with my mother. though i fully agree that it's for the best to not, and in accordance with scripture to not make one's brother stumble, i'm still a little sad. it's not my giving up of a glass a champagne that bothers me, but the constant feeling of walking on egg shells and hiding from my family that eats at me. like i'm constantly placating some idea of a good little baptist boy that they have of me just so that i don't rock the boat too much.

my groomsmen selections are almost done but not yet. currently i've got 5 1/2, since one is a maybe. there maybe some shuffling for the final few spots. it's tough picking between your closest friends. i know things are a lot easier for guys than girls because guys (tend) to not hold such serious grudges for not being in a friend's wedding that they expected to be in. it's hard because certain people seem to come in pairs or hold special places in your life but at different times. do you ask someone who played a key role in formative years of your life but you haven't spent much time with at all recently, or do you pick someone you haven't known but for a few years but are active in each other's lives now?

on the other hand there is an element in which selections of groomsmen seems like a selection between one's future and one's past. like the selection of the individual person is a barometer of something bigger in one's life. reflecting on whether or not you're truly moving forward, moving on with your life or if you're really still tied down to home. having my wedding downtown will be a bit of stake in the ground for the former.

i remember my mom asked me if i wanted to get married at fbcw. i kind of chuckled on the inside, but i knew she was serious. i don't hate fbcw. i would like to think my posts over the past few years have genuinely shown that. that i've grown up and matured and let go. it's my spiritual hometown and i'm grateful for all the good instilled in me through their teaching. but i feel like i've grown past fbcw. not that they're immature and i'm not, but just that i've moved on and their appeal falls on deaf ears now for the most part. but the part that made my chuckle at my mom's suggestion cut a bit deeper. it was the reality of what i was talking about. i'm tired of being held to these previous expectations and ideas of me. i'm tired of being measured by and compared with my past. wanting my lifestyle, choices, beliefs, present and future to be validated and accepted.

i think too much and over-analyze. announcing my engagement and wedding plans on the internet have revealed a few things though, despite my reading into things too much. i felt like most people back home from the circles of fbcw really had nothing much to say. a few old friends acknowledged, which was much appreciated. but for the most part i seemed passed over. it was tough, but then again it's just part of growing up regardless i suppose. you realize at a certain point that family will always be there. and that there's a few faithful friends who will always be there. but for the most part people move through life with a constantly revolving door of "friends." i've felt like the previous group of friends i was so fond of just a few years ago back home have all dispersed and have forgotten about me. then again i suppose i have forgotten all about them too.

i suppose it's a weird dichotomy. i want old friends to recognize and stay in touch with me, yet i want them to know me for who i am and not hold me to a picture they had of me in the past.

i guess wedding planning just makes you ask yourself who your real friends are, who you are. will the wedding day matter to the people who came in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 25 years? who will i become in that time?

it's late and i need sleep.

night kids.

i assume the small constituency that reads this has already been personally told by me or has heard through the grape vine that i am engaged to be married to an incredibly beautiful, genuine and sweet woman named anna scruggs.

it's been exhilarating and a bit surreal at times. it's been wonderful staring into her eyes pausing as we both suddenly realize afresh and anew that we will marry in a few short months. a new life we will begin together, and we will have much to learn and many ways in which to grow.

in terms of my longings and searchings for a place called home, one thing i've felt inside for a long time is the warmth and security there is in her embrace and listening ear. anna is like home. and now our hearts will make our homes in and with each other.

this past sunday it was so joyous to see the reactions and smiles at church. everyone wanted to congratulate us and hear our story. it was refreshing to feel a sense of belonging. we easily forget the friendships we have so readily around us. at home group on sunday night, it actually felt like home for the first in quite some time. almost everyone was there, and i felt wanted and cared for.

today i was chewing on the distance i've traveled from home, not in a physical sense, but in the journey of life. when it comes time to send out wedding invitations. the invitations for friends will center around georgia tech and christ church. the circles of sequoyah high school and even first baptist woodstock seem like a distant memory at times.

a future lies before me . . . before us. we do not know where all we go or do, but we will go together, and never alone.

it's 2:45 am and i'm wide awake. thankfully not from insomnia. i just awoke from 7+ hours of great sleep. i came home from work, read a few pages of my new n.t. wright book and then went to bed really early. work has taken a lot out of me lately, but as i keep telling myself, "be thankful you have a job."

so to the topic at hand. via some readings on the internet in the christian blogosphere, i found out that apparently n.t. wright had written a book entitled "justification: God's plan and paul's vision" in response to john piper's critique of him in one of piper's recent books. the topic discusses the meaning of justification and what paul was really talking about in his epistles. i found "surprised by hope" incredibly worldview changing, and i suppose i'm still a sucker for a good theology book and one particularly that challenges my previously held viewpoints.

i'm not really sure what causes this because this has been the case for some 6 odd years now. perhaps it is dissatisfaction and discontentment with my currently held views and traditions from consumer standpoint where i'm just not enthralled with it anymore. perhaps its my passive-aggressive tendencies to detach theologically in light of personal issues that are not dealt with.

but as i awoke from my sleep, feeling rather refreshed for the first time in a while, i picked the book back up and continued to read a few more pages. wright challenges some views that have been pretty long-standing in my ever-so-short life. but i think the thing that draws me most to him, and others who seem to offer these paradigm shifts in viewpoint, is that there is this deep gnawing fear and partially held belief that we may be doing this all wrong. i took a few minutes to pray, "Lord have mercy on us if we are doing this all wrong."

simple questions of how would st. peter or st. paul or st. john react if they walked into our modern day churches. if we could somehow bring them up to date with all that happened in history and advances in technology and somehow transport their mind to our modern world and ask him, "is this what you had intended?".

i remember one day in argentina that in a way drove a very deep nail into the coffin of my disillusionment with them. i sat on a dirty street surrounded by children probably ranging from the ages of three to five. i sat there with them with a book that had a different color sheet of construction paper in it, but it wasn't random but rather set to the story of the gospel (or at least the gospel according to word of life). i went through the book with them and then prayed the sinner's prayer with each afterwards getting their names so that they may be tallied up with the rest for a final overall head count. and then it hit me so hard. it wasn't an epiphany, but rather that deep, unsettling, gnawing ache in my heart. "i don't think we're doing this right," i said to myself.

it's hard because we can't detach ourselves from our world and go off and do a bit of theology reconsiderations and come back to the world and somehow do it right. life continues and we must continue to move in and with it.

but in some ways is refreshing and reassuring to know God still works and you can really know and feel it. each time i'm tempted to get rather discouraged, i remember david molina down in chile. i think in many ways all these reconsiderations i will make as result of reading n.t. wright will shift my viewpoints farther from david's in certain areas. but i can see in his eyes and hear in voice the movement of our Father. david knows and serves God. and i would like to believe in the end, God uses him immensely, despite however flawed his theology might be.

in the past week i've found myself conjuring up old feelings toward pieces of my spiritual past and sharing them with those i'm closest with . . . three times to be exact speaking out against (at least what i perceive to be) religious injustices. a smoldering anger with church camps, its speakers and methods of preaching. concerned about the spiritual and emotional health of teens.

afterwards i always chew on what i said. wondering what profit there is in speaking against those who claim the name of Jesus but do so in a way that i disapprove of. does God not use them as well? i know He does, but i cast grave doubt if it is as much use as they think or claim it to be. and seriously wonder if in certain circumstances, more evil than good. i suppose that's not my place to cast judgement.

but whether or not there's a problem there on their part. i know there's one on mine. letting smoldering anger smolder yet again and not letting go of the past. a recurrent theme it seems.

but then i am reminded of a conclusion i've been coming back to a lot recently . . . we are but children. in the eyes of God, we are but children. we claim to be so grown up. we claim to be so important. yet we are still but children wearing our parents clothes pretending to be something we are not.

God has left the salvation of the this world to His Son, not us. we may think we are changing the world and making such a great impact. but it is He that brings true change.

i don't think that God is as impressed often times as we think He is with what we do in His name and claim to do for Him.

and in the back of my head as i hear those old familiar voices telling me how little of an impact i'm making in this world because i don't subscribe to their way of doing things and play by their rules. i can smile and know . . . my Father loves me. this constant rat race of impressing God with our supposed impacts in the world can cease, and i can let the love of God pour down like the sunshine, breath Him in like air, drink Him like water.

are we not immersed in the very love of God?

so rest My child and be at peace. My love for you is beyond what you can fathom. stop trying to impress with what you can do. work out of a deep assurance of my unending grace and immeasurable love.

it's a little odd entitling this entry "greetings" from spain if i'm leaving in the morning, but nonetheless. in addition to fact that this post is foreign, it's also my very first from the iphone and my first in may this year despite the month ending next sunday. so sit back relax and enjoy.

steven and i have had a wonderful time, but it's also been a good time as well for me to reflect on a lot of life. the Lord has again showed me a lot about myself and areas to grow. gentle nudges to recognize lies, unrealistic expectations, unfounded fears. gentle nudges to grow up.

it's also been nice being able to enjoy a lunch along the beach and to feel the warmth of the sun, the coolness of the breeze and the sound of the waves without any hint of stress.

but now i'm ready to go back to work and hopefully have a much rejuvenated work ethic and attitude. i'm also ready to be back because i have a special dinner and a movie date on friday night.

this evening i re-read everything i had written here on my livejournal (save the posts about sports) in 2008 and 2009, starting at the present and working backwards. i'm willing to share my journey with others, but to be honest my writing is mostly for me. as i've said before, an opportunity to retrace my steps and see where God has brought me and what he has done. to see growth and change. to remember the lessons i've learned.

a somber part of re-reading one's past is also seeing how little one has changed. to see how one gets stuck in a rut and never leaves. it's quite humbling to read something knowing you feel along the same lines even today, then look at the date of the post and realize that it was posted over a year ago.

the predominant theme for 2008 and the start of 2009 has been homelessness. perhaps my favorite post from that time period was my reflections on the renovare conference i went to about this time last year with bill, an elder from my church. after re-reading my very own words, i realized how quickly i had forgotten what i had learned there. i wrote very definitive words about how "i wasn't homeless, but rather homesick." i wish those words sank deeper into my soul. i'm homesick for my father's embrace. i am no orphan. i have a home, and i'm on a journey back toward it.

also one of the conclusions i've come to regarding the feeling of homelessness, and particularly at christ church is that i haven't felt like i needed the people there. my closest friendships lied outside of church, and even if they did overlap, the source of the friendship originated outside of the church. i've been doing my best to combat the lies and constructs of my mind with truth via being vulnerable enough to talk the people there about my wounds and grievances. i need to need my church. at times i don't know how to. but i know i want to. i know that it is what church was meant to be, a community, a body. not a retail store offering tickets to religious services where one receives but never gives, nor a religious gym allowing you to show up and use their equipment to exercise your gifts where one gives but never receives.

david's last words ring loud in my ear. i have much to give the Lord, but in my current state i'm holding a lot back. i may be living day by day, but i'm doing so in such a way with no overarching goals or direction.

last night was a definitive step in that direction.

i missed you so.

as each day passes i'm becoming more and more cognizant of how fragile i am emotionally, of how easily i take things too personally, too seriously, and how i build large complexes of lies that keep me in of a role as the victim and/or the martyr.

it's scary seeing how pervasive it is. it's step one i suppose.

i wrote my asst. pastor last night getting the bitterness and frustration of my chest. telling him how i felt cornered and accused for not subscribing to infant baptism and 5-point calvinism.

apparently he had no clue that i felt that way, and that i perceived him to come across that way. i think we'll get together to talk and smooth things over a bit.

the homeless feeling looms underneath the surface and whenever it seems as if someone is pointing in how i don't fit the mold or don't meet their expectations, i'm looking for the door. perhaps deep down i'm convinced they don't want me, and i want them to show me the door. i'd rather be asked to leave, than to constantly feel tolerated.

i need to dig deeper into what fuels that. but i know i have deep fears in several areas of my life that i don't feel wanted for who i am. i feel like my acceptance is based upon what kind of hoops i can jump through or what i can do for people.

deep, deep down inside i just want someone to know me. know me for who i am. see all the good, the bad, the ugly, the utterly f'd up parts and love me and accept me.

i guess i just don't feel that that's there at church.

i just want to know that i'm wanted for who i am, and not for who they can make me become. and that if i never change, i'm wanted just the same.

sunday evening i confronted one of the complexes i had constructed. turned out it wasn't true. well it was initially, but overtime things have restored themselves with no permanent damage. it was good to get that out there and said.

. . . i think i have serious issues. i take things way to seriously and personally. i internalize them and assume the world is against me. my mind is a continuous downward spiral.

i have a few more bombs, particularly at church, that need to be defused, or at least handled. they could blow up as soon as i get close . . . maybe.

i think some days i prefer the victim role. i prefer to internalize the pain and make elaborate stories of how i've been wronged or misunderstood, how no one understands me.

i need a stable meta-narrative.

ironically (or providentially if you're a presbyterian) i bumped into my former campus minister at the gym tonight. he's also an elder at church. he asked about my deacon nomination. i told him i declined and let the cat out of the bag again. we ended up talking for quite a while about it, and he was a good listener. he encouraged me to not let a few strong fringe voices push me out of a place of serving. he's right that i shouldn't, but at the same time i do have some wrestling to do with how much of a fixture i am there and how deep my roots are. i need to ask myself how much exploring i want to do when it comes to other traditions.

it seems as if every time i'm on the verge of leaving, things begin to smooth over and i stay longer. and yet every time i really feel like i do belong and i play an important role in the team, stuff hits the fan and i'm cast back into deep doubt. perhaps i'm just cursed into perpetually staying in a limbo of homelessness . . . perhaps.

either i have really thin skin or i'm having really bad luck with all the stuff going on at church . . . let's say both.

so this past weekend i emailed my associate pastor back and declined to be interviewed for the deacon nomination. i didn't go into why, but hoped to leave it at the fact that i couldn't commit to it in faith and good conscience. well last night before service started, i bumped into my associate pastor, and he asked if i minded sharing why i declined. i figured i'd let the cat out of the bag. i shared my two biggest doctrinal disagreements with not just christ church but the PCA in general, infant baptism and 5-point calvinism. i shared that i deeply respect those of those viewpoints. i don't think they're heretical or anything. they're logical viewpoints with strong arguments from scripture, tradition and reason. i just don't hold them. i don't consider them essentials, and i'm doing my best to make myself at home here because of the people i love and the ministries i enjoy serving in. i told him that i figured those would be deal-breakers so it'd be best to not seek a leadership position.

i was hoping to just leave it at that. i just wanted to agree to disagree. i'm not trying to change the church's doctrine secretly. i was nominated for deacon by someone in the congregation. i didn't apply for or seek it. but for whatever reason, a discussion began . . . a discussion i didn't want to have, particularly about calvinism. i told him i'm well-read. i've read my edwards, piper, spurgeon, sproul and the like. i used to be a calvinist and quite familiar of the arguments. but overtime, despite the argument and seeming scriptural support, i just couldn't stomach calvinism anymore, particularly the limited atonement. and slowly the whole thing began to unravel. i didn't revert to my previous baptist viewpoint. i just walked away. i was sick and burnt out on theology.

he wasn't rude or arrogant, but i did feel pressed to respond to his direct questions regarding calvinism, and a bit backed into a corner. but i didn't want to respond to his one-liners. i just didn't want to have this conversation. this is why i don't share my viewpoints often. i feel pounced on. i don't feel like it's a safe place. i don't feel like i'm allowed to be and think for myself.

luckily i found an out during the conversation since i needed to attend to some sound preparation since i was running the board that night.

all i wanted to do was stack chairs, set-up and run sound that night. that's all i want to do. i just want to serve. do you have to be a 5-pointer in order to stack chairs and run sound? . . . apparently so.

i had a good talk w/ a close friend last night who was present in the bible study that discouraged me on sunday. he offered a different perspective on how things went and gave me some food for thought. i've had to realize that the loudest voice isn't necessarily the majority voice. and most importantly, personal issues with others can cloud or heighten my emotions very easily. end result, for the meantime i'll still be doing the presbyterian thing.

today though the irony of all ironies happened. i came home and checked my email. i had been nominated for the office of deacon at church. i still don't know what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna need to think and pray and get some advice. i'm humbled that people would nominate me for that. i'm curious if they're aware of my viewpoints. part of me wants to know where the line in the sand is at. part of me wants to be told what is essential and what isn't. and then again part of me knows how shallow my roots are there. part of me is fully aware of the grief i'll suffer being in a position where i know i don't fit the mold or tote the party line.

my heart deeply, deeply longs to feel at home. i want a place to set roots. i want a place to call home. i want a place to dive into headlong. i want a place where i can serve and lead. but part of me really wrestles with whether christ church is that place.

and then part of me says that just because i'm nominated for deacon this year doesn't mean i have to make a lifelong religious decision now. i can decline and perhaps let a nomination come up next time assuming i'm still at christ church. i can stay where i'm at and keep exploring and working through the things i'm sorting out.

i don't want a revolutionize the church. i know i'll be a minority viewpoint a lot of times. i just want all the cards to be on the table. i just want people to know who i am, and then still want me for who i am.

prayers would be appreciated.

tonight may have been the end of my tenure in the presbyterian and reformed tradition.

one of the doctrines i hold to most dearly is the belief that we see God's heart toward men most clearly and plainly in the person of Jesus Christ, more than creation or scripture. Jesus shows us God.

"Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."" - John 8:2-11

today was ash wednesday, and i totally missed it.

it didn't even dawn on me until 5:30pm today. not by my remembering either, but by a phone call from a friend asking me what i was doing for it today. i had already made plans for dinner, and i wasn't going to back out of it. i sarcastically said to my friend upon being informed that today was ash wednesday that that's what i get for going to a presbyterian church who only celebrates part of the christian calendar. not a single mention of ash wednesday in the service that i recall. we just continued through our series in romans.

after my friend and i hung up, i was genuinely sad. i had missed a special day that i wanted to celebrate. though it's tempered, liturgy and the christian calendar are still a bit of an enigma to me. i would like to spend at least one full year in a liturgical church and celebrate the entire christian year, just to experience. despite my lack luster experience this past december at midnight mass, i wouldn't have minded going to the catholic center on GT campus, where i've been twice before for ash wednesday. but i also know that anglicans, episcopalians, and some high church lutherans and methodist do ash wednesday, maybe even some high church presbyterians as well. but my presbyterian church was not among them.

i mentioned to my friend that i had thought epiphany (the season between christmas and lent) lasted at least two more weeks. i had been following the lectionary provided in my book of common prayer. i looked and checked, but it dawned upon me that epiphany was not a set number of weeks. ash wednesday is set upon easter's date, which is not fixed but floats. thus the length of epiphany could be shorter or longer depending upon where easter fell, either in late march or early april. i say all that to say this, i have this book of common prayer, but i apparently don't know how to use it really. i don't understand the christian calendar. i'm just an isolated person trying to provide himself with a sense of liturgy all on his own. i'm trying to supplement what i want in church, but am not given, on the side in my own time.

i pulled out my book of common prayer and decided to have my own little ashless service at my desk in my room. i followed the liturgy prescribed in the book for all the prayer and scripture readings. the prayers were beautiful and rich, but lacked their awe in that they were were not read by a priest or deacon and responded to by the whole of the congregation. it was like i was reading a dialogue from a play aloud to myself.

to some of you, the fact that i overlooked ash wednesday would seem utterly meaningless. but to me, it's a sad reminder that what i long for in my christian journey just isn't provided in the spiritual places i'm at. it's a simple fact. it is what it is. the thought of leaving a place i'm finally starting to get plugged into and feel like i belong, just for some simple ashes smeared across my forehead seems foolish, selfish, naive, narrow-mined and completely missing the point. i love my friends there. i would hate to leave the folks i'm getting to know and minister to at BHR. i would hate to cut short a mentoring relationship i just started. i threw my name in the hat to help teach and lead our home group through a bible study series. i already feel tied down, vitally connected to and relied and depended upon. i suppose that's the way i like it. it makes me feel like i belong somewhere and yet i know that i honestly want to explore more. i want to branch out. i want to see for myself. i want to taste and to know. i want to have peace in knowing i've looked around and settled on something i want. i'm tired of peering across the fence admiring at other pastures of green.

it may seem silly and a bit ironic. but the restaurant i ate it had a large table of people next to us all with ashes on their forehead. i sat there longing, wishing i too had just returned from an ash wednesday service, wishing i too wore ashes on my forehead, wishing i belonged.

it's a terrible feeling this realization that despite the increasing sentiment that you're making yourself a little bit more at home, you still long for somewhere else and home seems to be there instead and not here.

one of these days i think i'll eventually bite the bullet and become anglican. i suppose that'll be the same day i quit being an engineer and become a teacher.

(i'll let you decide whether that last statement was said in sarcasm or complete honesty.)

i decided to forego video games during lent. going to try to increase my reading time by replacing my ps3 with books.

grace and peace.

last night i finished a book called "chasing francis" by ian morgan cron. the book was recommended and given to me by a friend in light of my spiritual explorations, questions and studies into the more ancient church. to the friend who let me borrow it, thank you.

(i will discuss how the book ends, so if you're planning on reading it, then don't blame for spoiling the ending. you have been warned.)

the basic premise of the book is a fictional story about a pastor named chase falson. he is the founding pastor of a successful, growing evangelical church in the heart of new england. however chase's faith has been based on a lot of shallow pragmatics and formulas. when the hard questions of life confront him, for which he has no answers, his faith crumbles into a spiritual meltdown. the climax of his spiritual meltdown takes place in front of the church during a sermon. he is asked by the elders of the church to take some time off while they sort through the future direction of the church, which may or may not include him. chase has an uncle, kenny, who grew up a conservative baptist, then converted to catholicism and became franciscan monk. kenny invites chase to come to italy and go on a pilgrimage through italy learning about the life and teachings of st. francis of assisi.

on chase's journey he learns about st. francis' commitment to solitude, the environment, pacifism, the arts, reaching people through experience rather than reason, poverty and serving the forgotten and forsaken. the author does a good job of weaving the historical facts into the fictional story.

in the end, i knew the book would end one of three ways. either chase would end up converting to catholicism, staying in italy to become a franciscan monk. but i found that unlikely, since the author is anglican not catholic. i didn't think he would try to convert anyone, but would have a gracious dealing with catholicism. i was right about that because chase doesn't become catholic. the author is very generous toward catholics, passing over their differences with protestants (a little to easily glossed over for me though). but the fact i liked about that was that his uncle kenny nor any of the other franciscan monks pressure him to convert. the welcome him alongside them for the journey, sharing what they know to be true but never forceful or manipulative.

the other two options were that he returns to new england, which he does, and either is able to take the learnings from his pilgrimage and apply them to his evangelical church or he starts his own new church. the twist in the story is that the youth pastor, chip, becomes the interim pastor during chase's absence, and you quickly gather that chip is a power-hungry guy that quickly sets up shop as the new pastor-elect without any formal decisions. chip also is framed a guy who is very shallow in his faith, similar to chase at the beginning yet even more so deeply. ed, an elder who is one of chase's closest friends, initially was irrate over chase's meltdown but calms down and apologizes for his short-sightedness. ed becomes chase's toughest ally in the whole situation, but sees that the church will likely split and for the best decides to let chase go by casting the tie-breaking vote between the elders to let him go. chase then begins in starting a new church based upon the model set forth in life of st. francis of assisi.

some of my biggest qualms with the book are the fact that it leaves you a little lacking with background and with closure. chase's spiritual meltdown comes very early in the book over a woman who recently converted from a life of drug addiction and yet after conversion lost her little daughter. in the book chase is 39 years old. i just wish i had more background describing his faith along the way. people's faith changes as they grow and change. i don't think chase's faith would have been static for those many years, and i find it a bit hard to believe that this was the first tragedy of his life at 39 that made God to seem unreasonable or unfair. regardless it is what it is.

i had mentioned to my friend that let me borrow the book that i thought chase's and chip's faith seemed too cookie cutter and denied the goodness of it. that was a comment made about half-way through. i'll pull back on that. as the story continues, chip gets more and more portrayed as a manipulative, politician rather than a cookie-cutter guy who just buys the system without questions. but regarding chase, i don't think it's fair to discount his christian experience prior to the pilgrimage. i know a lot of people that to me would seem to fit the cookie-cutter role, but i know they are good people that love the Lord, and do have a sincere desire to love others. their faith shouldn't be glossed over so easily.

there is also a bit of lack of closure regarding chase's love interest, maggie. chase is not married at the beginning of the book, and by chance (or providence if you're presbyterian) they cross paths during his pilgrimage in italy. they slowly begin to develop a lot deeper friendship and the beginnings of a romantic relationship. you unfortunately don't know if they get married, but you're left with a good suspicion they do.

i was a little concerned how the author would end the book in regards to what it says for the larger church. if chase could apply the things he learned from the pilgrimage to this evangelical church, then it would seem as if the author is trying to give hope to the evangelical situation, that they could learn and change from the ways the have failed, particularly in the areas that st. francis emphasized but today's evangelical church does not. the other option of him starting a new church would seem to paint the picture as if the evangelical church is beyond hope and the best thing to do is to scrap it, wipe the slate clean and start over. the author ends up somewhere in the middle. chase does start a new church, but not because he chooses to leave but is asked to. he makes every effort to stay and bring internal reform. in the first house meeting of the beginning's of chase's new church, you find that many from his old church who liked his ideas have decided to come with him.

perhaps the author is saying for the larger picture that it's a mixed bag. for some evangelicals the teachings of st. francis could bring welcomed change and new direction and inspiration. for some, they like it they way things are don't want to have anything to do with st. francis. and the decision is left up to people like ed to decide when it's best to call it a day and start over, and when it's possible to bring internal change.

the moment in the book that deeply moved and touched me the most was when chase goes to a soup kitchen and shelter for the homeless in rome. while reading i had to stop. i couldn't read anymore right then. it moved me so much and challenged me that i just needed time to process. in that part of the story, the author emphasizes st. francis' deep, deep commitment to the poor, forgotten and forsaken of his time. the climax is when he goes to a shelter for men who are dying of AIDS. he gets asked to bathe a man along with another volunteer. she asks him during the bath to wash the AIDS stricken man's genitals. nothing in that section of the book is vulgur or distasteful. the simple fact is that genitals like any other part of the body need to be washed. but i think the point the author was making is challenging us on the depths of our commitment to those who are suffering. will we enter the depths of their world, meet them at the lowest and minister to their real needs? or will we draw lines saying "only this far"? the author takes the image of Jesus washing his disciples feet and takes it a step further in this story. chase ends us washing the man. i was left speechless. it was there i closed the book. i couldn't read anymore as i said. God had once again nailed me in my heart about the need to minister to the poor, forgotten and forsaken. sadly ever since my lunch with dr. gardner a few months ago, i haven't done anything about starting any sense of a homeless ministry at christ church. i need to do something about that.

so would i recommend the book? yes, whole-heartedly. i had qualms, but i learned a lot through the book particularly about st. francis. perhaps i will pick up some biographical books about him to learn more. i concur with the author that st. francis has much to say to our modern day christianity. may we have ears to hear.

grace and peace to you all.